Halloween Candy Conspiracies

The big day is upon us, the day dedicated to candy, costumes and great decorations. The only holiday that can rival Christmas for the best sweet treats and chocolate of the year. But are you ready? What do you really know about trick or treating? Do you know what to do with those unwanted treats?

If not, you better read this guide to surviving the biggest Halloween Candy Conspiracies.

Missing Candy

You know you hit 30 houses and that bag of loot had to be about half your body weight. Yet the next morning it feels considerably lighter and you’re pretty sure when you took inventory last night you’re now short some Snickers, Milky Ways and a Baby Ruth. So where did the candy go?

Look at mom and dad. 90% of parents will sneak candy from their kid’s treat bags each year. Make sure as soon as you get home to have a secondary bag or vessel to transfer your favorites to and stash. Leave the other bag out as a decoy and savor your sweets in private later.

Receiving Play Doh Instead of Candy

If you’re confused as to why you’re receiving cans of Play Doh this year, blame the TV show “The Biggest Loser.” They had a contestant hand out the mini Play Doh containers in lieu of candy. There are even a few TV spots on now advertising giving the colorful clay, but nothing on their website indicating that Halloween even exists, except for an “all products” search. Hasbro really missed the train on this one, since I’d take a can of Play Doh over some plastic rings or an apple any day.

Pennies

Crap, pennies. Awful to eat, nowhere to spend. What do you do with them? Aside from the obvious egging of the home that handed them out, just take them to your nearest fountain and make a deposit and a wish. The money goes to charity anyway. Why do we get them? Well, I couldn’t find anything specifically pertaining to why US children are punished with the copper bits, but I can tell you that in England, when Guy Fawkes was to be burnt at the stake, children would go around asking for “a penny for the guy” to purchase more wood to add to the fire.

A Chocolate Surplus

There is no such thing. If you happen to get more chocolate over Tootsie Rolls and Dots, then the balance within the candy universe is correct. Enjoy it, because next year you may not get enough candy, have to borrow from other kids and then when Halloween comes around and you don’t get what you’d thought, you have a deficit and some angry kids looking to collect with interest. Even though they shouldn’t have given you the candy in the first place, knowing you had no collateral and were operating on speculations that weren’t realistic. And now your candy credit score is shot. Be smart, know your limit.

Houses that Claim to be out of Candy

It’s a lie. Adults always over buy on the amount of candy. And not only do they purchase the candy they like (which explains Hershey’s Special Dark’s inclusion in the mix bags) over the kind they think kids will like, they stash 50% away for themselves, rationalizing it with “it’s only once a year.” And “I never buy this stuff for myself anyway.” So if you hit a house that claims to be out, you just mention the stash, how they don’t need that much and how it’s just going straight to their hips anyway.

Fun Sizes Candy Bars aren’t Fun

Another lie, Fun Size is fun! You know what’s not fun? MINI size. Just be glad that during these trying economic times that people aren’t resorting to handing you a mini size Snickers and sending you on your way. Besides, Fun Size bars make way better candy forts. Trying to build any sort of structure with a mini candy bar is a joke.

That House that Hands out Full Size Candy Bars

Ever met that kid who claims he was just at a house that was handing out full size Snickers, but when you got there, they weren’t? Or he fudges the directions just enough so you’re not sure which house it is? Yeah, that’s cause that house doesn’t exist. Unless you live in a VERY nice neighborhood. The kind that have a guard and a gate to keep out the street urchins of the suburbs. Sure, once in your lifetime you might actually find a regular house that gives out those whole bars but they are so few that it’s basically a myth.

All right, consider yourself now prepared for the night at hand!