Chocolate Candy Reviews: Feed Your Obsession

Fruit Cupcake Oreo Cupcake

Delicious but Dangerous Halloween Candy

You don’t have to be worried about razor blades in your kids’ candy bags, but these five candies have been known to bite back if not consumed properly. Before you chow down on your Halloween bounty, you need to know what you’re up against.

Charleston Chew

Named after the famous dance no one knows how to do anymore, the Charleston Chew has been a chocolate lover’s staple since its creation in the 1920s. But to the braces-bearing chocolate fan, the Chew can be your worst enemy. Then there are the people that will tell you that a Charleston Chew left in the freezer for an hour is one of the most delicious chocolate treats you can enjoy; that may be true, but if that solid bar of frozen chocolate makes its way to that zipper-lipped metal-mouth, they are in for trouble in the form of a massive dental bill.

Jawbreakers

jawbreakers

The big, tasty ball our English friends call Gobstoppers has been a candy staple for a century. It takes over two weeks to make a Jawbreaker (they make more than one at a time, though), and almost as long to eat it. It’s trying to cut that consumption time short that will lead to problems. Do I even have to say it? They’re called Jawbreakers! You might be the one with braces after this.

Sticky Caramels

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Nothing gets stuck everywhere like a caramel. I will give bite-sized candies like Caramel Creams a pass for now, but Milky Way, Baby Ruth, and 100 Grand have some explaining to do. Now, I’ve taken a look at the wrappers, and I don’t see quick-acting cement in the ingredients, but by the time I get a bite or two of these adhesive monsters into my mouth, any hope of speaking in the next hour is pretty much shot as I deal with this stickiness overload. Savor the flavor with some small, delicious bites.

Lollipops

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These delicious treats come in all shapes and sizes. At first they are your loyal companion through the afternoon, but something changes when you bite into them. Crack open hard candy with your teeth and you can make some unexpected, jagged points. This creates a great weapon to use against candy thieves (plentiful at this time of year), but continue enjoying your lollipop with caution, or you will end up with a tongue that looks something like Caesar did at the end of Act III (he gets stabbed a lot). Et tu, hard candy?

Red Hots

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Like their sister candy Hot Tamales, Red Hots can be a delicious treat. However, if you eat them all in one sitting so you don’t have to share with your friends, those little buggers will quickly overwhelm your mouth. They may burn your tongue a little at first, but once they lose their flavor they will glue themselves behind your molars and begin their parasitic relationship. Nothing short of a jackhammer can free you now. I would suggest not popping more than a few of these bad boys in your mouth at a time, unless you’ve got a few toothpicks and a fleet of dentists.

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