Chocolate Candy Coated Catastrophe: Battle of the Bite-sized Bits

Welcome back to the 2008 Cocoa Heaven Chocolympics where the competition isn’t just heating up, it’s about to burst into flames! Next up is the Candy Coated Triathlon. As much a test of stamina as skill, this event puts chocolate candies through their paces. Competing this year is a large contingent from M&Ms as well as a few other contestants. As the contestants line up for the event, let’s take a look at the uniforms for this year.

First Leg: Game Face
The majority of the M&Ms packages are fairly generic, though the purple costume of Dark Chocolate is a sassy addition to this years competition. The clear edge here goes to Reese’s Pieces. Instead of the more friendly look, RP is going for the psych out game, it’s hard not to be intimidated by a glare like that.

Scores (out of 5):
Milk Chocolate M&Ms: 3
Peanut M&Ms: 3.5
Peanut Butter M&Ms: 3.5
Dark Chocolate M&Ms: 4
Almond M&Ms: 3
Reese’s Pieces: 5
Skittles Chocolate Mix: 3

Winner: Batman – It’s hard to think of a fiercer competitor than the Dark Knight

Second Leg: Shape
Most of these competitors seem to blend together, so the few differently shaped competitors contrast even more starkly. Peanut Butter M&M’s is apparently of the opinion that bigger equals better. Sorry, but slightly bigger round shape isn’t exactly ground breaking. Of the two other competitors, Peanut and Almond, both are interesting, and while judges initially leaned towards Peanut’s adorable egg shape, Peanut carried the day. Almonds tapering, slender, almost almond-like shape won over the judges, who gave it top marks. Meanwhile, Skittles and Reese’s Pieces both lost half a point for copying M&M’s style.

Scores (out of 5):
Milk Chocolate M&Ms: 2
Peanut M&Ms: 4.5
Peanut Butter M&Ms: 2.5
Dark Chocolate M&Ms: 2
Almond M&Ms: 5
Reese’s Pieces: 1.5
Skittles Chocolate Mix: 1.5

Winner: Almond M&Ms – Adorable!

Third Leg: Taste
Since this is a more substantive round I’m going to break down the judges scores individually.

Milk Chocolate M&Ms
A classic and still great, these M&Ms have a nice smooth flavor with a delicious crunchy coating. 4

Peanut M&Ms
Crunchy and delicious, Peanut M&Ms add a delicious nutty flavor to the mix. 4.5

Peanut Butter M&Ms
Substandard peanut butter flavoring and very low chocolate content make this the judges least favorite M&M. 1.5

Dark Chocolate M&Ms
While initially good, these candies, like a lot of mass produced dark chocolate, overstay their welcome. 2.5

Almond M&Ms
While delicious, the almonds vary greatly in quality, lending to an overall uneven experience. 3

Reese’s Pieces
Delicious, crunchy, peanuty! Not much more to say than that. 4

Skittles Chocolate Mix
Not so much a candy as a crime against nature, Skittles Chocolate Mix is the candy equivilent of anthrax. If someone offers you some of this candy they probably secretly hate you and wish harm upon you. So sugary they’ll put anyone instantly into a diabetic coma, the best thing one can say about them is that one of the flavors, ‘Brownie Batter’ isn’t completely terrible. 0

Winner: Peanut M&Ms – Yum!

Special Event: Personal Trauma
Skittles Chocolate Mix: -20

Winner: When you eat Skittles Chocolate Mix, there are no winners.

Final Scores (out of 15):
Milk Chocolate M&Ms: 9
Peanut M&Ms: 12.5
Peanut Butter M&Ms: 7.5
Dark Chocolate M&Ms: 8.5
Almond M&Ms: 11
Reese’s Pieces: 10.5
Skittles Chocolate Mix: -15.5

Event Winners:
Gold Medal: Peanut M&Ms
Silver: Almond M&Ms
Bronze: Reese’s Pieces

So that’s it for this event here at the Cocoa Bowl in sunny downtown Cocoa Heaven. Tune in for the closing ceremonies later this week.