Battle of the Butter Bars

For my last match up I spent more time setting up the candies than I did reviewing them so this time it’s straight into the fight!

Round #1: Packaging

The 5th Avenue Bar isn’t likely to leap out at you as you browse for chocolate candy. Its brown package and understated lettering insinuate themselves lightly on the senses. If it has a fault, it’s that it’s too classy for its own good.

The Butterfinger, on the other hand is the Dennis Rodman of candy. Loud, ostentatious and ridiculously garbed. The particular Butterfinger has been renamed “The Finger” in what has to be the worst attempt at rebranding ever.

Winner: 5th Avenue Bar for self restraint

Round #2 – Crunchitousness:

The 5th Avenue and the Butterfinger both describe themselves as crunchy peanut butter and chocolate candy bars. and it should be no surprise that they are both exactly that. Where they differ is in their philosophy as to what qualifies as “crunchy.”

The Butterfinger or “Finger”, while not entirely peanut-buttery, manages to be both crispety and crunchety (fulfilling at least two out of three of the claims on the front of the package and protecting it from false advertising lawsuits).

The 5th Avenue Bar takes a more laid back attitude towards crunchiness, as well as crunchetyness and the other various forms of cruncheosity. Their philosophy seems to be that if about 20% of the peanut butter filling is crunchy, that qualifies it for crunchy peanut butter status. I must respectfully disagree.

Advantage: Butterfinger, by several gigacrunches.

Round #3 – Structural Integrity

This one isn’t even close. The Butterfinger came out of the package broken, frayed, and covered in crunchetous particulate matter. One bite into the Butterfinger showers the unsuspecting victim in crunchicules, crispetizing them within an inch of their life. Meanwhile, the 5th Avenue Bar maintained the cool cosmopolitan air, and while it wasn’t perfect it managed to hold itself together while being eaten.

Advantage: 5th Avenue Bar in a walk

Round #4: Stratigraphy

We can learn a lot by studying the strata of the two candies. The Butterfinger, with its rigid jutting structures brings to mind the harsh and unforgiving deserts of Nevada, and the majesty of the Grand Canyon. The cross section of the 5th Avenue is softer and instead of a sweeping vista, seems more like the drooping remains of a house half-destroyed by flood or cataclysm.

Advantage: The majestic Butterfinger National Park

Tie Breaker Round: Taste

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While both bars are essentially the same product, the 5th Avenue bar relies more on the taste of actual peanut butter, while the Butterfinger tastes mostly like a freeze dried stick of whole milk. The sweetness of a Butterfinger is overwhelming and frankly, too much. I love chocolate candy, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish the Butterfinger, so I guess the 5th Avenue wins by default.

Winner and Champion: 5th Avenue Bar

So there you have it, my pick for the best peanut-butter chocolate candy bar. My sample size was admittedly low. Think there’s a better one? Let me know in the comments. Now I have to go lie down before I die from acute crunchitis.